Jokes - 31 March 1990

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A day without sunshine is like night.
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Ok guys... here's a joke that we know YOU'LL ENJOY!!!!!!!!!

One day, the archangel Gabriel was talking to God. He told God "You know, all the animals come in pairs. One female and the other male. But the humans, look at them they have the same genitals."

So God looked down and sure enough humans had the same genitals. He pondered upon the situation for awhile, then he said "I know what I'll do. I'll give the stupid one a penis."

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Lie, n:
A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
known to date.

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Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked.

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Meeting, n:
An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.

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Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.

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Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
-Robin Hood

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Health nuts are going to feel real stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
-Redd Foxx

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If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?

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You should emulate your heroes, but don't carry it too far.
Especially if they're dead.
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Sweater, n:
Garment worn by child when it's mother is feeling chilly.
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Mayor Vincent J. Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have the city
nativity scene removed:
"They're just jealous because they don't have three wise
men and a virgin in the whole organisation."
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The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to
show off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go
along on his next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his
first shot and, as the bird fell, the dog walked on the surface
of the water, retrieved the duck and returned it to his master.

"Notice anything?" the owner eagerly asked.
"Yes," said his friend, "that fool dog of yours can't swim".
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The years of peak mental activity are surely between age four and
18. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
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The more things change, the more they stay insane.
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Q) Why did Bill Gates named his company "Microsoft"?
A) That's what his penis looks like
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From a recent issue of The Economist [3/17/90, p.16]:

Seasonally adjusted, the Great Lakes never freeze.
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Subject: Do
"To do is to be." -- Socrates
"To be or not to be." -- Shakespeare
"To be is to do." -- Sartre
"Dooby dooby doo." -- Sinatra
"Scooby Dooby Doo" -- Dog
"Yabba dabba doo" -- Fred Flinstone
"Yabba grabba brew" -- T-shirt
"Dabba dabba doo" -- Kate Bush
"Do be a doo-bee" -- Miss Marty on Romper Room
"Do a doobie, dude" -- A Stoned Person
"Doooooo-doooo" -- Eddie Murphy
"Ack!" -- Cat
"To be, do." -- Aristotle
"To do, be." -- Jean-Paul Sartre.
"Do be a do be." -- Miss Louise, Romper Room.
"Do be do be do." -- Frank Sinatra.
"Scooby-doobee-doo" -- Scooby Doo
"Yabba-dabba-doo!" -- Fred Flintstone
"Hey-boo-boo" -- Yogi Bear
"Whoop-di-do!!" -- Me
"Smells like doo-doo" -- Three year old nephew
"Do do do doot..doot..doot..doot doo" -- The Doobie Brothers
"doot doo-doot doot doot doo doot" -- "the colored girls"
"Do doo do doo do do" -- _Twilight Zone_ theme
"Do ya, Do ya, Do ya, Do ya wanna dance?" -- Beach Boys
"Doobie Wah" -- Peter Frampton

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Hm-m-m-m?
Q: What's black, has two legs, and flies ?
A: A bird.

Q: What's black, has four legs, and flies ?
A: Two birds.

Q: And what's black, has six legs, and flies ?
A: a fly !!

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|In article <1384@polari.UUCP> georgf@.UUCP writes:
|>It [Microsoft Word Spellchecker] will also suggest "kidnaper" as a
|>suggested spelling of "childcare."
|
|You mean "kidnapper"! Sheesh!

Actually, I tried this, and MS WORD spelled it "kidnaper".

I dun't noe whut yure tacking abowt. I yews Mycorsotf Wurd and thu
spellchecker wurks jyst grate fore me. Ewe must wurk fore WurdPurfekt.
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On Southern Sanitation Company trucks they advertise:
Free Snow Removal (This is in Ft. Lauderdale, FL)

Seen on a garbage truck in Bangor, ME a few years ago:
"Double your garbage back if not completely satisfied"

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Two cannibals get together. The first says "I hate my mother-in-law".
The second answers "Then just eat your vegetables".

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Q: Why is it good to have Alzheimer's Disease
A: You can hide your own Easter Eggs!
or
A: You meet new people everyday!
or
A: You can watch your favorite movie over and over and over
and over and over and over and over and over and....

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This was on one of those joke-sheets that get circulated around...
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In the beginning was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And the Plan was without substance.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke amongst themselves, saying:
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said:
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying:
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another:
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him:
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the
company, with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

This is how Shit happens.
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There once was a hermit named dave
who had a dead whore in his cave
she was missing an eye
and part of her thigh
but think of the money he saved

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Did you hear about the new car being designed and built jointly by
Toyota and Chevrolet? It is called the Toylet.

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A ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint.
It is reported that both crews have been marooned.

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Did you hear about the snail that was mugged by two tortoises?

When he went down to report the mugging the police officer asked
him if he could describe the event and the snail replied, "I don't know
if I could, it happened so fast."
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To follow up all of the recent BATMAN craze...
(This may be offensive to sensitive readers).

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The following item ran in Newsday:

E. Frenkel, A Soviet "psychic healer and mentalist," felt he had
gathered the "psychic-biological power" to stop a speeding train,
so he stepped in front of one to prove it.

"First I stopped a bicycle, cars, and a streetcar," wrote Frenkel.
"Now I'm going to stop a train. Only in extraordinary conditions
of a direct threat to my organism will all my reserves be called
into action."

Frenkel jumped in front of a train near the city of Astrakhan
"with his arms raised, his head lowered, and his body tensed."

The train ran over and killed him.!!
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Someone once told me that Wisconsin almost selected "Eat Cheese or Die" as a license plate motto. Nice to see a state govt. with a sense of humor.

How about "Smell Our Dairy Air"?

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An engineer, a yuppie entrepreneur, and a Hell's Angel are sitting on
stools in a sleazy bar. A fly lands on the engineer's shoulder; he
brushes it away. It lands on the yuppie; he brushes it away. The fly
lands on the Hell's Angel; he grabs it and eats it. All three bar
customers drink more beer.

Another fly lands on the engineer; he shoos it away. The fly lands on
the yuppie-- He grabs it, turns to the Hell's Angel, says, "Want to
buy a fly?"

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What is the penalty for bigamy?
Two wives (husbands).

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The Husband Auction

A man was awakened in the middle of the night by his screaming wife.
After some effort, he got her calmed down, and she said she'd been
having the most awful nightmare.

"I dreamed that I was at a husband auction," she said.

"Oh?" said her husband. "That doesn't sound so terrifying. What was
going on?"

"Well," she replied, "some husbands were being sold for $100, and
others were bringing $500, and there were even a few paragons of the
marital ideal who were pushing bids up as high as $1000!"

"Ummm ..." said her husband coyly. "And how much were husbands like me selling for?"

"That's why I was screaming," she replied, "they had you tied up in
bundles, and were selling you for $1 a bunch!!"
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Did you hear how the japanese are going to put CAL-TRANS out of work??
They invented a shovel that will stand all by itself!!
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"Women and cats do as they dammed well please.
Men and dogs had best learn to live with it..."
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Why are chickens so ugly?
You'd be ugly too if you had a pecker hanging out of your forehead.
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Once upon a time there was a small community, and residing in
this community was a family with identical twin daughters. One
daughter was a pessimist and the other an optimist. One year when
their birthday rolled around, a friend of the family - the town
psychiatrist - and the girls' parents decided to conduct an experi-
ment. For her birthday, the mother and father gave the pessimistic
daughter a shiny new bicycle, a water gun, and a colorful hat. The
optimistic child was given a room full of fresh horse manure and a
small green shovel.

About 15 minutes later, the psychiatrist and the anxious
parents went into the pessimists' room and enthusiastically asked
her how she liked her presents. The sulking your girl snapped,
"The bicycle is no good, the water gun doesn't shoot far enough,
and the hat is too small." Then they went into the optimists'
room and asked her how she liked her gifts. Within the room busily
and excitedly shoveling horse manure about was the optimist child
who looked up and cheerfully replied, "It's a lot of work, but I
know there's a pony in here somewhere!"
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A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are captured by a tribe of Indians and each tied to a post. The Chief goes up to the Scotsman and strokes the man's cheek and says, "Mmmm, fine skin, you make good canoe". He then goes up to the Englishman and says, "Very good skin too, you also make good canoe". By this time the Irishman has managed to reach a knife he had hidden down his leg and cut himself free. As the Chief approaches he starts stabbing himself repeatedly in his arms, his legs and his body. The Chief says, "Why you do that?" to which the Irishman replies, "You're not making a bloody canoe out of me."
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There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
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Bumper Snickers:

BUREAUCRACY: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.
XEROX: Your BUREAUCRACY is our business.
LEMMINGS DON'T GROW OLDER, THEY JUST DIE
BE REALISTIC: Plan for a miracle
LOVE THY NEIGHBOR, TUNE THY PIANO

Real People Wear Fake Furs.
You have a seatbelt; has it hugged you today?
Speed Pays -- the doctor, the hospital, the mortuary.
Illiterate? Write for free help.
MY OTHER CAR IS A REAL OTA

Subject: Bumper sticker du jour
ONE SOVIET INVASION CAN RUIN YOUR WHOLE DAY
Seen on a Saab: Key Mow
Seen near the Stanford Linear Accelerator:
Beware of Quantum Ducks, Quark! Quark!
Support mental health, or I'll kill you!

Help Stamp Out Intolerance!
Save an alligator; shoot a preppy
I'm not FOR apathy and I'm not AGAINST it.
Have you hugged your money today?
I'VE BEEN TO THE SHOP THAT SELLS BUMPER STICKERS

Prosperity is our God given right
SAVE THE CHOCOLATE MOOSE!
Archaeologists will date any old thing.
I refuse to participate in the RECESSION
DANGER! I drive like you do.

I BRAKE FOR BRICK WALLS
IF U [heart] NY GO BACK!
JazzerSleep
FIGHT ORGANIZED CRIME, STAMP OUT THE IRS
I cannot be fired. Slaves have to be sold

ESCHEW OBFUSCATION
The highway of life is always under construction
DOES THE NAME PAVLOV RING A BELL?
WELCOME TO LOS ANGELES NOW GO HOME
DO LOS ANGELES A FAVOR. WHEN YOU LEAVE, TAKE SOMEONE WITH YOU.

I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention!
I love, I owe, so off to work I go.
Illiterate? Write for free information.
WARP 6 A Law We Can Live With
The San Diego Freeway.... Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
HAVE YOU HARRASED A TOURIST TODAY?
THE TROUBLE WITH POLITICAL JOKES IS THEY GET ELECTED.
PASS WITH CARE, DRIVER CHEWING TOBACCO
KISSING A SMOKER IS LIKE LICKING AN ASHTRAY

GOD'S LAST NAME ISN'T DAMMIT!
WHEN I GROW UP, I WANT TO BE A PORSCHE
HONK IF YOU'RE CUTE, RICH, & LOVE HORSES
LEAVE ME ALONE I'M HAVING A CRISIS
THE BEST THING TO SPEND ON YOUR CHILDREN IS TIME

I HATE BUMPER STICKERS
3 GOOD THINGS ABOUT SCHOOL: JUNE, JULY, AUGUST
SUPPORT YOUR RIGHT TO ARM BEARS!
Also seen: IBM PC's eat Apples!
IGNORE APATHY

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The Meaning of Life

Life is like eating grapefruit. First you have to break through the
skin; then it takes a couple of bites to get used to the taste, and
just as you begin to enjoy it , it squirts you in the eye.

Life is like cooking. It all depends on what you add and how you mix
it. Sometimes you follow the recipe and at other times you're
creative.

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle but you don't have the picture on the
front of the box to know what it's supposed to look like. Sometimes,
you're not even sure if you have all the pieces.

Life is like an unassembled abacus. It's what you make of it that
counts.

Life is like a maze in which you try to avoid the exit.

Life is like riding an elevator. It has a lot of ups and downs and someone is always pushing your buttons. Sometimes you get the shaft, but what really bothers you are the jerks.

Life is like a puppy dog always searching for a street full of fire hydrants.

Life is like a room full of open doors which close as you get older.

Life is like a poker game. You deal or are dealt to. It includes skill and luck. You bet, check, bluff and raise. You learn from those you play with. Sometimes you win with a pair or lose with a full house. But whatever happens, it's best to keep on shuffling along.

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Man A: So how was your honey moon ?
Man B: Very good until the morning after waking up, I forgot and said to my wife "you are wonderful, here is $100".
Man A: It is not that bad, she might not know that you thought of her as a hooker.
Man B: I know, but my wife then gave me back $50 and said "here is your change".

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Maureen O'Murrah had taken a Manhattan taxi home from work,
since both of the ladies she usually carpooled with had taken sick. In the
confusion of the short-handed office staff, and hurrying downstairs to
meet the cab, she had left her purse behind.

As the cab pulled up to her apartment building, she was looking about
the seat for her purse when the driver told her the price of her ride.

In great embarrassment, she said, "Ach. I'm not believin' I did this,
Sir, but me purse isn't here. I must have left behind. I'm sorry, but
I'm not havin' the money to pay you just now."

The driver was...well, he was a Manhattan taxi driver. He said, "That's
all right Missy, I'll just pull down into that dark street ahead, and get
back there with you, and I'll just take your panties off."

Maureen chuckled, and said "Shure, an' it's the poor end of the trade
that you'll be gettin'. These panties only cost eighty-nine cents."
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